Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
President Eisenhower's mother had a sister; this lady constantly had trouble in bright sunshine because her nose was so sensitive that the skin peeled off every summer.
Her doctor made a simple remedy, a small cone of paper (like a Dunce's cap) which she stuck onto her nose at the first sign of sun.
Do you believe this?
Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here: they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest, juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes. What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize berries, not to appraise them."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
this illness has baffled scientists. What causes it -- love of groaning sounds, subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or some deeper cause, such as becoming fixated at the silly phase? Whatever the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from beatings), major injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still worse beatings).
It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life. One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant. The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused. So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town. "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Nice guitar playing, but I still don't get it. Must be a guy joke with a lesson hidden in it.
Speaking of lessons......
This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson?
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. Expect less
NOW .......Enough of that... the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, and his bell did not ring all morning.
Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
ha,ha,ha, wagga, you crack me up and I like this thread, it helps release any built up stress when a person laughs, but of course a person needs to "get it" [the joke/ punchline] in order to laugh, which seems to be one of my weaknesses and I love the guy jokes even though I don't get them, because you, Rod and Steve C. explain the punchlines to me....oh, and thank you for the compliment about the song being before my time, I especially liked that comment.
Now, it's time for some more Lessons, this time in Management:
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, "Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first?" The Continental pilot immediately heard, "Go ahead, Delta, I'll wait!"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
