Mt Whitney Zone Forums The Chat Room Where Are the Silly Jokes?

> 'So I just switched the heads.'

LOL

Uh....I don't get it.











Gotcha y'all...

Say what? Yup! That's right!

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be considered stoned off your ass?

An Australian applies for a job as a royal footman. Taking his references from his last job, he goes to the interview, where they ask him to drop his trousers. "It's a formality," says the interviewer. "Some footmen are required to wear kilts, so we like to examine the knees of applicants for blemishes." The Aussie drops his trousers and his knees are inspected. "Excellent," says the interviewer. "Now could show me your testimonials." A few moments later the Aussie is thrown out into the street.

"Struth," says the Aussie, picking himself up off the pavement. "If I knew the lingo a bit better I reckon I might've got that job."

Mathematics

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's Okay).

6. Teaching Math In 2014 A logger sells a cart of wood for $100. The cost of the production is $80. How much profit did he make? ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

375K? Um, I don't get it. How is a logging operation a front for a basement grow?

AaaaaaaaNyway, part of the problem is the computerization of retail transactions. Back in the day ("the Day" of course being back when the walk to school in the snow was uphill both ways) my first real job involved a mechanical cash register and counting out the customer's change. Remember that? The cashier puts your dollar on the shelf above the drawer, says from a dollar that's 29 cents and hands you a penny, saying "that's thirty", two dimes "forty, fifty" and a half dollar piece "and fifty is a dollar. (If you had tendered a five instead of a one, they would then count out four singles, which rest comfortably and conveniently atop the silver.) May I carry the bushel to your wagon for you?" Thus making sure that the price of the apples plus the change she counted out adds up to the dollar you tendered.

Now they read the change amount off the screen put a few bills in your hand, pile a handful of coins on top of that, smile proudly that they were able to actually count out the same amount in bills and coins that they read off the screen, and start a secret timer to see how fast they can make the stupid pile of coins slide off the bills in your hand.

If you analyze the different skill sets required for these transactions, you will see that its approximately the difference between understanding basic algebra (then) and being able to count (now). Not to mention understanding the ergonomics of coins resting in the palm of the hand and bills retained by the opposable thumb.

some of the clerks I meet here in the east do not have opposable thumbs

LOL. That explains so much. No wonder Jefferson was so depressed. He saw the future.

Miracle

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

He managed to find 11 friends called:

Andrew, Bartholomew, James, James, John, Jude, Matthew, Peter, Philip, Simon and Thomas

..... who all drank wine.


That's what I call a miracle.

Do you know where cantaloupes go for vacations?

Soup, no, I do not know where cantaloupes go for vacation.

I give up, please tell me.

Contemporary King Arthur Fable

Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Lynn-a-roo sent me this:

If Dogs Worked In Offices



There is an entire set of pictures: If Dogs Worked In Offices

Lynn-a-roo, you've reminded me of another joke, similar to yours.

The Banker and the Witch:

There was this hot shot banker that was taking wall street by storm. Very successful, and doing very well financially. However, as often occurs, financial success can breed higher demands for even more money. As a result, this banker turned to embezzlement to further line his pockets.

Then, there was a "surprise" audit one week-end, that discovered the bankers embezzelment. Because the banker had been so successful, and had also made a great deal of money for the bank, the bank offered him a deal: Pay back 100% of the embezzled funds, and the bank would only fire him, but not press criminal charges.

After a bit of reflection the banker thought this might be possible. He could sell his country estate, sell his girl friends jewelry, sell his cars, and with a bit of creative financing (additional loans) he could pay back the money, and avoid jail.

So, off to his girl friends house to retrieve the jewlery. Upon arrival at his girl friends house he was surprised to find not only his girl friend, but his wife as well. Some how they had discovered one another, and were extremely incensed over his infidelity. Neither felt the least bit sympathetic to his plight, and were completely unwilling to help.

The bank had frozen his bank accounts and impounded his cars, his wife would not agree to sell the country estate, and his girl friend had hidden the jewlery. His situation was indeed dire.

With only the cash in his pocket he headed for the first bar he could find. As the evening progressed he migrated to seedier and seedier bars in order to preserve what little cash he had left. Finally, at 2:00 AM he found himself seated next to a truly repugnant creature. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. (sound familiar?). Nonetheless he poured out his tale of woe to the old hag. After hearing all of this she looked him in the eye and said "you may not believe this, but I am a witch, and I can move back time such that you will be able to fix the books so that the audit will not discover your embezzelment. Things will go back just as they were before the audit. Your wife and girl friend will no longer know one another, and you can return to your good life." Needless to say, the banker was dumbfounded, and wanted to know what he could do to influence the witch to work her magic. The witch considered this, and said "there is only one thing you must do. You must spend the night with me, and pleasure me as you have never pleasured another woman."

With no other alternatives available, the banker agreed, and did exactly as instructed by the witch. The next morning, upon awakening, the banker was amazed to find he had no hangover. The air was cool, the sun was bright, it was truly a glorious day. His suit had hung out well, and looked as though it had been freshly pressed. After a shave and shower, he felt GREAT, and was looking forward to returning to his former life. As he was leaving the room he turned to look at the witch. Her eyes were open and she quietly asked the banker "how old are you sonny?" The banker replied "why I am 36, why do you ask?" To which the witch replied "and you still believe in witches?"

Lynn-a-roo's is good, but I like John's better.

Oh man, I'm bummed. I read John's but I don't 'get it'. I get mine and not John's, is that weird or what? Although, I think both mine and John's answered Doug's question on the Whitney Portal Store website when he asks why do women climb Mt. Whitney.

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts,
movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...
and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to
a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you
can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship
continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you
as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need
to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

John Cougar's Mellon Camp . . .

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

Wagga's waggish post on walking to school uphill both ways inspires the following:

A little known fact about Wagga is that as an undergrad at a great American university to be named later, he carried a double major in both particle physics and astrophysics.

Wagga worked day and night, never a moment off from studying or in the lab. Work work work. He was also a poor starving broke student, broke broke broke, so in order to carry such a heavy academic load, he was on work-study, and had to perform various and sundry jobs in around the various of the University's research facilities. Work work work. In order to spend as little time as possible getting to and fro, Wagga lived as close as he could afford to do, actually in an illegal garage apartment near campus, near enough to ride his bicycle to and from school. Pedal pedal pedal.

One unlikely winter day, Wagga awoke to find several inches of snow on the ground and in the streets, a rare event even in the cold winter months. Leaving the bike home of necessity, he trudged to school and after Wagga spent his usual grueling day, work work work, study study study, as he left campus and trudged homeward through the melting wet snow, a strange thought occurred to him. Hmmm, he thought, how strange!

When he got home, Wagga looked up a couple of bits of data, performed a couple of calculations, and exclaimed "Crikey! I've heard of this, but I never thought I would ever actually do it. After all those years listening to gramps, I actually have walked to school in the snow - uphill both ways.

What was the exact date of this extraordinary achievement? Show your work.