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Entertainment at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development.” And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Why do farts smell?

Because they can't see?

To scientifically visualize that, you need pyroflatulence.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

The Geezers fought in the Second World War, where courage often came from the bottle. So few remaining...

The Baby Boomers were brought up to be healthy and eschew alcohol.

So what about the pre-boomers in between?

That would be the Boozers.

HaHa. No, wait. There was another whole generation between my parents' and me? I' so confuesed.

I'm pre-boomer, so it works for me...

Changed 'generation' to pre-boomer'. Thanks for the catch.
Also fixed at tarzan stripes forever.

Confuesed say… difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.

OK, it's St. Patrick's day, and Courtney (not her real name) from the Official Irish Drinking Team is demonstrating "Irish Handcuffs".

The grimace is because I told her the whale circumcision joke.

How do you go about circumcising a whale?

At last, a joke involving Bush & Brazilian that's SFW...

General: Mr. President, we have just received news that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed.
Bush Jr.: Oh God! This is horrible news! (tears up)
General: Is everything OK sir?
Bush Jr.: Just... how many... is one brazilian?

The Joker's favorite joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'

Stolen from Batman: The Killing Joke.

And if you already know it can kill you, don't hold your kid up to it or swim over it.

What's the best thing about being an insomniac?

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

>
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant
> and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
> He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks
> the nerve to talk with her.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of
> its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs
> it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
>
> 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops
> her eye back in place...
>
> 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she
> says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they
> go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,
> she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She
> listens.
>
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
> to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
> They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
> trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO
> incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the
> perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
> meet?'
>
>
> 'No,' she replies. . .
>
>
> Wait for it.
>
> It's coming. .
>
>
>
>
> She says:
> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
>

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'