Steve, CaT, and Wagga were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Steve said to CaT and Wagga, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and CaT can sing songs for 25 flights, and Wagga can tell sad stories the rest of the way.
At the 26th floor Steve stopped telling jokes and CaT began to sing.
At the 51st floor CaT stopped singing and Wagga began to tell sad stories.
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.
Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.
They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.
No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.
Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING
IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG
U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT
CHINESE APEMAN DATED
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY
ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD
NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.
U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS
COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED
SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR
S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW
10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER
MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT
CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP
CARIBBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR
ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY
NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION
When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS
CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION
SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMENT
MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL
JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX
GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS
PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH
NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM
PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS
N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS
COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS
DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS
STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT
AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE
LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR
HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS
COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY
Occasionally, a deformed headline takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE
CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION
CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION
[size:8pt]
I sure hope Wagga didn't already post this one.[/size]
A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."
[b][color:#FF0000]This is such a heart warming story[/color][/b]
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.
As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.
This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.
They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.
They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.
The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.
This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more.
"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"
"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"
His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all this time you've been playing from the women's tees?"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage , only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh ! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace ."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
