Mt Whitney Zone Forums The Chat Room Where Are the Silly Jokes?

A cowboy rode to a saloon and got off his horse, found a post and tied it up. Then he walked into the saloon and ordered a few drinks, then walked back outside to find his horse gone. The cowboy stormed back into the saloon and said "One of ya people stole my horse that was tied up in that post outside. That same thing happened to me back in Texas, and I had to do something I really don't want to do again. Now I'm gonna have one more drink and my horse better be back, tied up to that post, exactly how I left her. Otherwise I'll have to do what I did back in Texas." So the cowboy sat down and ordered another drink, then walked outside to find his horse back, tied up to the post, exactly how he left her. He was just untying his horse when one brave soul walked up to the cowboy and asked, "So what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy looked the man straight in the eye and said, "I had to walk home."

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Wagga, I totally did not get the joke above. I guess the King sent his wife back to the Tower???

[color:#000099][b]For those of you who used to or still do read Harlequin Romances[/b]
[/color]


[u][b]Subject: Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2012 Version:[/b][/u]

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .


"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[quote=lynn-a-roo]Wagga, I totally did not get the joke above. I guess the King sent his wife back to the Tower??? [/quote]
Henry the VIII's second (out of 6) wife was [url=http://tudorhistory.org/boleyn/]Anne Boleyn[/url].

This poster was actually used by the Underground back around 1970, before the Politically Correct tide came in and washed away all the fun...

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A blurb on the back cover of a novel:

"Bestseller Johansen and her Edgar-winning son, Roy, collaborate on their first thriller with entertaining results". - Publishers Weekly

Wagga,

Is Edgar suppose to be Oscar?

Sometimes your humor escapes me. Really, I try to get your jokes but sometimes they make my brain stress.

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along

behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.



"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"



"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.



"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"



"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole. Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy

here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

[size:11pt][b]
A Lesson in Irony.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”

Thus ends today's lesson in irony.[/b][/size]

[quote=lynn-a-roo]
[size:11pt][b]
A Lesson in Irony.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”

Thus ends today's lesson in irony.[/b][/size]
[/quote]

Yeah, that's hysterical. Since many on Food Stamps are children, the elderly and the disabled, let's teach the poor buggars a lesson and let them starve.

KevinR...I apologize....I didn't intend to sound like people should starve....I'm just an animal lover. A while back in another thread I suggested maybe we could plant berry trees near the portal for the deer and I worry that there may not be enough food in the forest for the bears...marmots...deer....and more animals. I just post silly jokes...no harm intended.

Hi Lynn - I got a chuckle; thank you for continuing to share your jokes.

ps...love the idea of planting vegetation for the critters!!

:grin:

[color:#3333FF][u][b]That's Nice[/b][/u][/color]

Two Southern belles, one of whom was from Texas, were seated on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion talking.

The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband had this beautiful mansion built for me."

"That's nice," commented the lady from Texas.

"When my second child was born," the first woman continued, "he bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."

"Then, when my third child was born," boasted the first woman, "he bought me this very exquisite diamond and emerald bracelet."

Once more, the lady from Texas commented, "That's nice."

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" asked the first woman.

"My husband sent me to charm school," answered the lady from Texas.

"Charm school!" exclaimed the first woman. "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"

"So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit', I learned to say 'That's nice!'" replied the lady from Texas.

I've heard that one told before, but instead of "who gives a ****" the phrase was way worse. :grin:

[color:#CC0000]
[b]
A little Aussie humour... [/b][/color]


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.



The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."


The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provenceand then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."


The Aussie said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."


The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"




The Aussie replied ,
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX...

PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!

TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!

PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....

The current Pope served for about seven years before announcing retirement.
Last time around when the College of Cardinals selected Pope Benedict, one
of the cardinals that was in the running was Cardinal Anton Scola. The newspapers
say he's in the running again, but has the same problem as last time — no one
thinks the Church should have a Pope Scola.

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.

Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear.

As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Irresistible! Guess where!

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