Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
[size:14pt][color:#6600CC][b]Nuns vs Vampire [/b][/color][/size]
[size:11pt][color:#003300][b]Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!" [/b][/color][/size]
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.....don't stress over preparing your Thanksgiving Dinner, just follow these simple steps and you will survive another Thanksgiving Day with ease:
[color:#660000][b]17 Stages To Cooking a Turkey 17 ways to cook a turkey[/b][/color]
I'll be [i]pondering the meat thermometer[/i] tomorrow, over the BBQ! :cool:
[size:14pt][font:Comic Sans MS]
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!![/font][/size]
Picture this, it was just after Thanksgiving, and the judge was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'
The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.
'That's no crime', said the judge. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4,5......." at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, parts of Liverpool, Southern USA, and some areas near Gympie, QLD.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
[b][color:#FF0000]First Christmas Joke of this season for you:[/color][/b]
[color:#006600]Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."[/color]
[color:#006600]The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle," he said.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]"You may pass through the pearly gates", said Saint Peter. [/color]
[color:#006600]The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."[/color]
[color:#FF0000]Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".[/color]
[color:#006600]The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.[/color]
[color:#FF0000]St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"[/color]
[color:#006600]The Irishman replied, "These are Carols." [/color]
[color:#FF0000]And So The Christmas Season Begins......[/color]
A man goes to the doctor with two severely burned ears. "How in the world did this happen?" the doctor asked. The man said, "Well doc, I must confess, I likes to drink a few when I get home from work. Last night I came home from work and had my usual few drinks, and was sitting on the sofa having another. My wife wanted to talk to me and iron at the same time so she set up the ironing board next to the sofa. Well doc, the phone rang and without thinking I picked up the hot iron instead of the phone and pressed it against my ear."
"That explains the one ear," the doctor said, "but what happened to the other one?"
"The damn fool called back!" the man said.
That was a joke. A silly joke. Meanwhile, in [url=http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/husband-makes-a-bad-call-with-the-iron-20121213-2bb15.html]Poland[/url]...
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
They were together in the House. Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on... They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand...So consumed were
they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors.
...just the faint click of a camera.....[/font]
[spoiler][/spoiler]
In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW TV..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you Shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Never Judge a Man By His Appearance Funny Chinese Jokes
At a New Year celebration meal an American to the Chinese man sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.
A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the Yuan-Xiao festival introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbor.
When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbor and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'
