Good one, Mrs. Herrera, HEY, I think I have the same scale! YIKES!!!
Keeping with the theme of weight, here's a new diet....
Cat Miracle Diet
Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
It being Anzac Day, here's a classic of wry Digger humour from David Ovens, of Naremburn. After an artillery barrage in the trenches of Flanders, a light horseman was found buried in mud up to the shoulders. His mates tried valiantly to dig him out but for some reason couldn't budge him. ''Maybe it'd help,'' the light horseman said dryly, ''if I took my feet out of the stirrups.''
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question of the mid-term exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Note: some may argue and say this theory actually relates to Charles Law.
At Fresno State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Chico and have a big party Friday and Saturday nights plus do a Saturday float tubing down the Sacramento River with a kegger putting in at the Hamilton Bridge and taking out at the washout. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Fresno State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy… then they turned the page. On the second page was written....... . . . . For 95 points: Which tire was flat? _________
I've had a rotten week, mostly, as I've had a digestive condition which caused sudden, unplanned dashes to the bathroom. So I kept in close range and even moved some furniture around so as to have unimpeded access. Girl Next Door (GND) whispered a palliative in my ear & even drove to the pharmacy to get the needed equipment for me. So, twice a day, I did the simple procedure, and it made life a lot more convenient - no more unplanned dashing off when calling a client or engrossed in complex code!
Today is Sunday, and as I'm feeling better I decided to skip the cleansing. I needed to prune some dead branches from the palm tree fifteen or so feet up, so I got my twenty-four foot extension ladder out (exactly the same climbing equipment used on Everest expeditions), extended it all the way, and climbed up the palm tree carrying a saw. When I had almost finished trimming, two things happened: I leaned out too far & barely saved a nasty fall by grabbing a branch. Then that awful feeling of pressure hit! I slid down, couldn't even jump the last few feet and rushed inside. Thankfully I made the Thunder Bowl!
We should learn something from each new day. Today I discovered that it is good to keep your fronds close and your enemas closer.
Edit: This story was posted on the big dog shaggy dog forum today, including Lynn-A-Roos Everest repost.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
I don't get it. I plugged the long number in and got a number to the 16th power??? Is there a silly joke in there somewhere....come out, come out wherever you are
Edit by Steve C: Lynn-a-roo, if you carefully put the number 14991338361953636352 into the Decimal box on the MathIsFun screen (remove the zero from the box, then paste our number), it will show you this:
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on El Capitan. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.
1. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
2. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
3. What English word has three consecutive double letters?
4. If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
5. Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
6. In the NBA, how many men are on the basketball court for each team.
7. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
8. I start with the letter e, I end with the letter e. I contain only one letter, Yet I am not the letter e! What am I?
9. There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
10. Light as a feather, nothing in it. A strong man can't hold it more than a minute. What is it?
11. There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
12. Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday. How did that happen?
13. Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
14. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
15. There was once a man who had a very selfish and unkind son. So one day the father sent his son to the market with one coin and said, "I am sick and tired of your selfish ways. Take this coin and buy with it: something to feed the cows, something to plant in the garden, something for us to eat, and something for us to drink. Don't come back until you do this!" He is only allowed to buy one item. What did he buy that fulfilled his father's wish?
16. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answers:
1. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
You would be in 2nd. You thought first place, huh? Well, you passed the guy in second place, not first.
2. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt. Everest
3.What English word has three consecutive double letters?
Bookkeeper
4. If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match
5. Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
No, I'd rather have $100 bill than a new $1 bill.
6. In the NBA, how many men are on the basketball court for each team.
Five. If you said ten, don't feel bad as most people do. "Each team" is the key here.
7. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
Meat
8. I start with the letter e, I end with the letter e. I contain only one letter, Yet I am not the letter e! What am I?
An Envelope.
9. There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
A Window
10. Light as a feather, nothing in it. A strong man can't hold it more than a minute. What is it?
Breath
11. There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
The rope isn't tied to anything!
12. Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday. How did that happen?
The horse's name was Sunday!
13. Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
Quit imagining!
14. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
One Thousand.
15. There was once a man who had a very selfish and unkind son. So one day the father sent his son to the market with one coin and said, "I am sick and tired of your selfish ways. Take this coin and buy with it: something to feed the cows, something to plant in the garden, something for us to eat, and something for us to drink. Don't come back until you do this!" He is only allowed to buy one item. What did he buy that fulfilled his father's wish?
He bought a watermelon - the juice to drink, the pulp to eat, the seeds to plant in the garden, and the rind to feed the cows!
16. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
You go to church and scout out routes to the ceiling
You climb your friends fireplace
You know how to get on your roof without a ladder
You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit
You get mad of having to spend $40 on a pair of Levi's, but don't mind spending $200+ for a pair of Gore-tex
You have no idea why your hands are bleeding
You aerate your lawn with your crampons
Your climbing equipment is worth more than your car
You give up a decent job so you can climb more
You blow a good marriage so you can climb more
Your body is worn out and you need medical attention, but that would take away from your climbing time, so you continue to hobble
When you can't climb, you stoop so low as to read rec.climbing
You insist on eating out in older areas, since the buildings are more "climbable"
Your list of names for future ascents are longer than your list of friends
You remember when the decimal system ended in 5.9
Your ice axe is made of wood
You know you've been climbing too long when you notice that the contents of the relic walls in climbing shops is newer than your own rack.
You remember paying $2 for a biner, but had to make nuts because they were not commercially available
When walking down a cracked sidewalk, you're thinking, "That'll be a good hand hold".
When it hurts to hold onto the steering wheel driving home from climbing
You placed anchors on the side of your 5th story apartment building so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.
You bolted the side of your house and It ended up in a local guide book as a 5.9+.
SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING CONTRIBUTORS:Rod Haines,Shirley,Caleb Bailey,Taylor Shull,Steve Woods,Lodrina,CW,Maddog and Jon Poulson for making this list.... Lynn-a-roo does not know them but they wrote the list
A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?" "No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself.
The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?" "No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday-we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?" "Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night.
The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins. "Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye. "Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks. The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails." "Well, uh...you got any fish?"
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Did you know that Churches in Las Vegas (the United States' gambling mecca) are now accepting gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but did you know that there are more catholic churches than casinos in Vegas?
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering basket is passed.
Since the church goers contribute chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method of organizing and redeeming these offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to their originating casinos and cashed in.
Yes, this is actually being done every week by the chip monks.
