Mt Whitney Zone Forums The Chat Room Where Are the Silly Jokes?

Re: I object to that characterization.
Tom, you scared me, I almost thought I had totally offended you.


A Tale of Two Nuns
>
>There were two nuns...
>
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
>
>and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
>
>It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
>thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What
>can we do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>SL: Of course it's not working The man did the only
>
>logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
>SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
>this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
>
>worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
>Tell me what happened!
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
>followed me.
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
>he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>SM: And?
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
>SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
>A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
>with his pants down.
>
>And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
>
>Say two Hail Mary's!
>
>

Randy!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -
where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow.."

Then they kick him in the ice hole..

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner

When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening the day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned,"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little creep.

Good one lynn-a-roo.

young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled man asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Good one, Chris.


Here's a cartoon:

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man
in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Super Salesman!
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$141,237.65".

The boss says "$141,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod and reel.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft" Boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

Oh Doc....That was JUST what I needed today. Do you know that people tend to give you strange looks when you suddenly bust out laughing in the middle of an office???

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

I have a sick kitty. Needs pills. There is more than a little truth in this...

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve the [bleep]ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little [bleep]'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Camping Tips:

1) When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
2) Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
3) A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
4) The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
5) While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
6) Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
7) Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
8) You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
9) You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
10) The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
11) When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
12) Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
13) A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
14) A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
15) In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
16) The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
17) The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
18) It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
19) Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.


The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the too th, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"


The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show the doctor".

Modern Life: ''I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,'' reports Mark Lang, of Byron Bay. ''A voice from the next cubicle said 'Hi! How are you?' Embarrassed, I said, 'I'm doing fine.' The voice said, 'So what are you up to?' I said, 'Just doing the same as you, sitting here!' From next door, 'Can I come over?' Annoyed, I said, 'I'm rather busy right now.' The voice said, 'Listen, I'll have to call you back - there's an idiot next door answering all my questions'.''