At that same truck stop a trucker was filling up his gas tank not paying attention to the fact that gas was slashing on his sleeve and hand.He then got into his truck and started to drive away. He lit up a cigarette and his sleeve burst into flames. The trucker stuck his arm out the window and was shaking and waving it trying to put out the flames.Those Highway Patrol pulled him out of his truck and handcuffed him. They then arrested him. He was arrested for waving a firearm.
I was in a Chinese restaurant the other week, and the waitress asked me, "Won ton?"
I cleverly replied, "Not now."
But the weird thing is that a few days after that at the golf course the foursome ahead of me asked if I wanted to play through them. I said, "Not now." But then, inexplicably, a couple of Chinese gentlemen appeared from behind a bush clapping.
Yeah, it's a strange world.
I also remember dinner in a Mexican restaurant one time, when I asked the waitress, "How about a little guacamole?" Surprisingly, she immediately flared up, screaming, "Don't you DARE get fresh with me!"
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery, and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. He finally found the cemetery about an hour later. The back hoe was there, and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelations.
When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic systems for 20 years."
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Rod's joke left a foul taste in my mouth and all I did was read it (ha,ha,ha). Here's a Silly Joke About A Guy Who Probably Doesn't Need a Toothbrush, He Probably Soaks His Teeth Clean.
Old Guy... An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy !!!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs'.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us'.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin'.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue'.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger'. 'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here'. And then what' asked a woman? 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine'.
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asked, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replied, "It's me ......... talking to the wine."..
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet sowe could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Wow, Rod, you're on a roll. You've posted some really great silly jokes. I better get cookin'and drum up some silly jokes to post myself. Looks like you've been holding back some good ones on us...thanks for the laughs. I need to watch Wagga's last post on a computer with sound...sounds like he fell in love with the sweet young thing on stage. Wagga hasn't been creatively writing silly jokes lately, he must be experiencing an 'Outback Dry-Spell'.
Actually a deadline for the next software release. Gonna sneak in a few minutes later to catch up on Jessica, find out why the WITWHH crowd evaporated, and tomorrow I'm off to the REI Whitney presentation with that attitude guy & Steve C.
What do you get when you cross 50 pigs with 50 deer?
Click to reveal..
A hundred sows and bucks.
Verum audaces non gerunt indusia alba. - Ipsi dixit MCMLXXII
Wagga, you had me cross-eyed again, I thought, what in the world does he mean by a hundred sows and bucks, and then it hit me, good one...took me by surprise when I got it...I like it. You guys are going to be great at REI, maybe you can incorporate some of your humor into the presentation, I'm sure the audience would love the laughs, they're good for the soul...record it and put it on YouTube. You guys can reach even more people on YouTube plus you can critique your presentation to improve future presentations.
Lately, getting into condition for Mt. Whitney has been a struggle for me which made me think about my future if I didn't start getting up and getting my body moving more and all this thinking made a silly joke pop into my head, and here it is....
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family.. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
I figure with Congressman Weiner and his escapades splashed across my TV screen and newspaper everyday for the last two weeks that this silly joke is fair game and entirely appropriate.
Showering Habits Everyday Living
How to shower like a woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Showering Habits Everyday Living
How to shower like a man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire your wiener and scratch your butt. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your armpits. 6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 7. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas. 9. Wash your butt, leaving butt hairs stuck on the soap. 10. Shampoo your hair. 11. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 12. Pee. 13. Rinse off and get out of shower. 14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 15. Admire wiener again. 16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 18. Throw wet towel on bed.
