Mt Whitney Zone Forums The Chat Room Where Are the Silly Jokes?

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

God created beer so the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone....the following are not silly and they're not jokes and I'm only a wee bit Irish, mostly Italian and some English (alley cat I am), but I liked these St. Paddy's Day quotes so I thought I'd post them. I hope some of you like them too. Maybe some of you are Irish. Enjoy!

Most of all, I'd like to send good Irish Blessings to the people of Japan and the animals of Japan too.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. ~Irish Saying

If you're enough lucky to be Irish, you're lucky enough! ~Irish Saying

There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas St Patrick himself, sure, that set it;
And the sun on his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It thrives through the bog, through the brake, and the mireland;
And he called it the dear little shamrock of Ireland...
~Andrew Cherry

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
~Irish Blessing

Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter
Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.
Poems and songs with pipes and drums
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes.
~Author Unknown

When Irish eyes are smiling,
'Tis like a morn in spring.
With a lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing.
~Author Unknown

Oh, the music in the air!
An' the joy that's ivrywhere -
Shure, the whole blue vault of heaven is wan grand triumphal arch,
An' the earth below is gay
Wid its tender green th'-day,
Fur the whole world is Irish on the Seventeenth o' March!
~Thomas Augustin Daly

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck. ~Author Unknown

Saint Patrick was a gentleman, who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland, here's a drink to his health!
But not too many drinks, lest we lose ourselves and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick, and see them snakes again!
~Author Unknown

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
~Irish Blessing

May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing

You missed:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

And:

May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!

And especially this:

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says,
'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other man responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other man answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other man says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other man answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other man answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
Graduated in 1964.'

The first man exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' !!!!!!!

One of my favourites.

Yes mine too. It is the classic ST Paddy's joke.

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Better late than never. A few more St. Paddy's Day jokes.


*Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'*



*Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'*



*Paddy was in New York, ya know, and ....

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'*



*Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'*



*An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'*



*Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'*

*Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.*

Little Tommy is back...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Tommy stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Tommy?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Tommy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Tommy 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Little Tommy wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Tommy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Tommy quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Tommy asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"

Little Tommy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Tommy asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Tommy, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

This is definitely a NEW AGE Confucius ! Confucius says.....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

and... Inverted Aviatrix have crackup.

Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for
each other, And finally they got married,
and had a little sweet Potato, which
they Called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about
the facts Of life.

They warned her about going Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally
mashed, and Get a bad name for herself
like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
Her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and
become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to
be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato
told Yam To watch out For the hard-boiled guys
from Ireland and the greasy guys from France
called the French fries. And When she went
out West, to Watch out for the Indians so
she wouldn't get scalloped..


Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from
the other side of the tracks who advertise their
trade on all The trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that's Potato University) so that when she
graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for Her, one-day Yam
came home And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't Possibly
marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you Ready for this?
Are You sure?
*

*

OK! Here it is!
*

*
*


*

A COMMONTATER

Ouch. Groannnnnn lyn-a-roo.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family
and will mate for life,
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole !

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts

THE END.

Funny wagga. You are a brave man...lol

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

Why do they feed Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts!

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give apenny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the heck makes you think I'd give any to you?"

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan
I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap,
effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily
assemble and rely upon.

Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBOCKER
MICROWAVE POPCORN.

JUST LEAVE ON YOUR TABLE....

IF IT STARTS POPPING YOU'RE SCREWED.